


My Feeble Heart

by jade_lil



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst/Romance, M/M, Prompt Fic, Sakumoto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 05:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jade_lil/pseuds/jade_lil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every breath he takes feel like he’s nearing the edge of dying himself, and he’s not even the one lying almost lifeless in a hospital bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Feeble Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shinigamiami](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=shinigamiami).



> because all Sakumoto fics are for her. Crossposted to my LJ.

The hand upon his shoulder does nothing to calm him, as well as the other set of warm hands clenching one of his tightly; in other times, Jun may be thankful for the quiet support even when the others know how hard it is to stay strong when faced with something as heavy as this, but Jun is still glad that he has them to at least anchor him when he feels like he’s drowning in misery. Every breath he takes feel like he’s nearing the edge of dying himself, and he’s not even the one lying almost lifeless in a hospital bed.

It feels like there is an invisible hand gripping at his chest as he stares ahead, the glass wall separating them to the man who means the world to him seemed like an impenetrable doorway he isn’t allowed to go through, watching helplessly as Sho struggled to fight for his life, or at least whatever is left of it.

“J,” Nino whispers beside him, tugging him lightly until Jun feels his back bumping against someone’s sturdy chest – must be Ohno’s – and then hearing the muffled sounds of Aiba’s pitiful whimpers in the background; he is sure Aiba is trying his hardest not to let any sound escape by probably slapping a hand over his mouth, but is only failing miserably. “ – come on, let’s get you something to drink,” Nino says, coaxing him to leave his self-imposed post just outside Sho’s hospital room by tugging him more insistently by the elbow. 

Jun shakes his head, keeps shaking it as he wriggles his hand free from someone’s tight hold, reaching over to place both his palms against the dividing glass wall, wishing he can somehow pass through it by doing so; it’s hard, watching your lifeline fight for his own and you can’t do anything to help him survive it, knowing that it is not a battle you can both fight together.

Sho looks nothing like the man Jun just spent the whole day yesterday, with his face covered in cuts and bruises, and that usual Sakurai smirk Jun suddenly misses; he feels the corners of his eyes prickle with unwanted tears and he immediately wipes it away with the back of his palm, breathes deeply so as to calm himself down.

He isn’t going to cry over this because he can’t, he refused to; Sho isn’t dead, and he only gets to cry over someone when that someone is dead, and Sho definitely is _not_ – he wouldn’t dare because he knows Jun would kill him by Jun’s own hands if he as much as think of giving up, if he as much as think about wanting everything to just stop.

It’s so stupid, really, for such dumb thing as getting run over by a speeding taxi just because Sho was rushing to meet them for lunch, phone slapped against his ear, talking to Jun and emailing someone as he walked, possibly holding two conversations at once the way he always does when he’s so cramped with work. It infuriates Jun as much as it worries him knowing that Sho beats himself to the fullest just to make sure he finishes everything as quickly as he can, just so he could go back to just being Arashi’s Sho when he’s with them. 

It takes one to know one -- that surely is true, for Jun knows himself enough to know how much of a perfectionist he is when it comes to work, but being in a band with Sho (and spending most of his private times with the older man as well) taught him how Sho takes everything in his life with utter seriousness.

But then again, Jun is sure that he shouldn’t be allowing himself to think about these things when there are surely far more important things to think about, like the reason why Sho’s manager allowed his charge to walk around the busy streets of Tokyo by himself instead of taking him wherever the hell he needed to go.

There is no need to blame anyone, Nino had said and Jun completely understands that; but Sho isn’t Ohno and so Nino doesn’t – not even how much he thinks he knows – feel the way it rips Jun’s heart apart seeing the love of his fucking life in such a state that it makes him want to blame the whole fucking world if only to lessen the pain, if only to make sure that someone would bear the anger he surely feels right now.

“J, come on,” Nino tries again, softer this time and Jun feels another set of arms worming around his waist, pulling him back. Jun bites his lips and reaches down to unwrap the said pair of arms from holding him without taking his eyes away from Sho.

“I’m not going anywhere until Sho-chan opens his eyes, Nino,” he hisses, but even then his words sounded weak even in his own ears; he wants to go there, wants to crawl his way inside Sho’s body, reach inside his chest and holds his heart inside his palm, just to let him know that he’s there, that he’s not going anywhere. 

But because Nino is Nino, and most of the time Nino say hurtful things even though he doesn’t mean to. “It sure doesn’t look like he’s going to open his eyes anytime soon, Jun, so come on,” he says, tugging Jun firmly this time and Jun just feels too tired to even bite back, to fight, to tell Nino off.

Leader at least proves himself worthy this time by releasing Jun and sauntering off to Nino, wrapping an arm around the slighter man’s waist and murmuring something into his ear; Nino visibly wilted, the prominent stiffness on his shoulders softening when Ohno all but reaches up to curl his fingers along the base of Nino’s neck. Jun sees this, and he feels even more left out, biting his lips and turning back around to watch the way Sho’s heart beat steadily through the monitor beside his bed.

There are about three doctors inside Sho’s room, and Jun kind of forgotten that they were there in the first place until the last one, probably the one Sho’s father had hired, came out of the room. Jun is instantly there, meeting him even before he fully steps out of the room. He knows the other three quickly follows on his heels as he reaches back and wishes for someone to grab his hand just to have someone strong enough not to break to hold on to.

He is sure Aiba is the one who reaches out first, followed by another pair of slender and stubby hands grabbing his hand afterwards. He feels secure, at least for now. 

“How is he?” he asks, mentally patting himself on the back for actually sounding brave and calm, even when he’s already squashing the hand he’s holding against; the doctor shakes his head and starts saying something about an exploded artery and a left ventricle no longer functioning, and Jun is sure he stops breathing right then and there.

The next thing he hears is the doctor saying something along the lines of “He needs a heart transplant, and as soon as possible,” and Jun simply nods his head and asks if it’s possible to let him in, please?

“He won’t be able to hear you anyway,” the doctor says, sad but true, but Jun doesn’t give a damn anymore. 

“Please?’ he repeats and hears the distinct sound of his own heart breaking into tiny pieces as the doctor moves out of the way and lets him. He isn’t sure if it’s right to be grateful that the other three didn’t follow, and instead leaving him alone to bitch right at Sho’s face even though he can’t really hear him.

But when he’s already standing there, Jun knows that no matter how angry he is at Sho, he never really thought he’d ever want to see the older man at such state – pale, almost lifeless and with no traces of the man he had just made love to the night before.

He can’t even bring himself to walk forward but he forces himself to, grabbing a chair and pulling it alongside Sho’s bed; Sho looks like he’s in pain even when he’s unconscious, the way his eyebrows are pulled together like this makes him want to utter the joke about his own and throw it back to the older man, quietly wishing for Sho to utter a comeback no matter how lame it would be, just as long as he sees him open his eyes again, see the smile on his face.

“Sho-chan,” he whispers, and his hand moves on its own accord, softly fingering Sho’s arm that isn’t hidden underneath his hospital robe; there are even ugly bruises here and Jun wonders how long he’d be able to hold himself together until his eyes slowly trails up, stopping to stare at Sho’s face.

He breaks down; heartbreakingly violent sobs he tries muffling against Sho’s arm, feeling like his world is slowly crumbling down his feet and he can’t even do anything to stop it.

It’s so hard – really, really hard, and Jun thinks he’s wants to die right here. 

“The doctor said you need a new heart, Sho-chan,” he says around a miserable sob, burying his face against the mattress, fingers reaching out to whatever part of Sho he can touch; he wants to see the life on Sho’s eyes again, wants to feel the warmth his hands used to lend out when Sho touches him. “If we find you a new one, would you still feel the same way? Would you still love me the same way when it’s your own heart beating there?” 

There is only silence save for the sound of his own muffled weeps as he closes a hand around the Sho’s unmoving ones. He looks up and swears he couldn’t love Sho as much as he loves him now, and feeling like there’s nothing he wouldn’t give up just to be able to see Sho’s smile again.

“I love you, you know that, don’t you?” he says, voice too low for anyone to hear, not even Sho, his heart telling him what to do even before he realizes it.

He stands up and crosses the distance between him and Sho, ducking down to press a lingering soft kiss against the side of Sho’s jaw. 

“I’ll make sure you live,” he whispers, reaching out to stroke Sho’s bruised cheek. “ – even if it means I’d have to give my own heart just to save you,”


End file.
